f/f

mika was being a child and her mother knew that all too well. she fiddled with her fingers and refused to leave the car. her mother had already taken her bags into the apartment - hers and the ones she'd brought with her to keep her busy over her little two-day weekend. the fact that they both knew mika didn't want her around was very much at the forefront of things, neither of them able or wanting to confront it. she left her inside the car while she spoke to the landlady and got a second chance key for the apartment.

that was her least favorite part, at least this time - telling the old woman that something like this would not be happening again, that the tenant was a responsible girl with a part-time job that paid all her bills - even with her father's financial assistance. she never went broke nor went without. what more could be said?

mika wished she wouldn't make such a big deal about it all, even if she thought it was in "her best interest."

when mika went to speak to the landlady herself, her mother waited by her side. this didn't help her nervousness at all. after another fifteen-minute conversation where she promised and promised, her and her mother were on their way to see her new apartment, keys in her hand.

there, there was only one room, which had the kitchen and a living room. it was a modest setup, and it was all they could afford. her bedroom had two twin beds and a pot of fake orchid sitting at the end of the bed closer to the door. the two beds had white sheets, and the rest of the house was an array of shades of grey - walls, ceiling, a white door and tiled floors. the orchid plant looked lonely, so much more like a decoration in someone's office rather than a home.

still, a grin spread across her mother's lips as her eyes darted around. her hands resting on mika's shoulders.

"now, mika," she coaxed. "remember this isn't a get away, or a hotel room, you know -" she didn't like her tone. "- but, darling... I do think your father will be alright with this place," her lips met the side of her cheek and mika's mouth pressed into a line as her hand came up to cover the spot on her cheek. "in fact, i'm certain," her mother added.

after another few words were said, a gentle and unsure "thanks mom, love you," she was gone and mika was left to her own devices.

the only noise was a distant, familiar noise, something between wind howling and water pouring. rain, in other words.

there weren't any windows, she realized - other than one in the bathroom - and nothing to distract her mind. even a bookshelf would've been something, even a stray magazine would've been wonderful to read. but that had its own anxieties as well, what if the owner had forgotten about it? or wanted it back - now that she realized she could be cleaning someone else's property and that was all too uncomfortable for her. the apartment wasn't dusty or disgusting or unclean, in fact it was the opposite and she wished she was at least doing something productive like unpacking.

she wondered if her anxiety was worse when there wasn't anything around to do. like an itch on the tip of one's tongue, one you couldn't scratch because the answer was something you didn't know yourself, and the more she focused and thought about the possibility the more real and painful and poignant the fact that this was only an excuse to stay out of a real, more stressful life. the one full of rent to pay and real people, people, people.

"i just can't," mika heard her voice, although barely a whisper, bounce around the small room.

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